It never ceases to amaze how people are put in your life, and although you may not see the full purpose right away, they leave in imprint upon your heart that changes you. So many people that I thought I would never form relationships with have come into my life, by God's grace, and somehow formed me into part of what I am today. It these people that we look up to, and it's also the people that we may think we should have nothing to do with. Every single person affects us.
It's to what extent I let them change me that has been making me think. Have I been taking these people and relying on them more than I rely on Him? Have I let them make me into something He would not have me be? I feel like I have lost myself. Lost who I was meant to be, and lost the urge to become what I should be because I'm content with people around me.
Being away from home has me constantly thinking about it. Everyday I feel like a little piece of what I was created to be drifts away into the sky like one of those balloons we try to catch before it gets away but it slips right out of our fingertips.
So what do I now? Every person that has tried to keep me on track isn't in reach. But I'm not their responsibility and they aren't who I should be sitting here thinking, "I wish they could help me." I learned enough in my past relationship to know we can't save someone. You can influence them, but in the end it's what their heart is telling them to do, and who they end up turning to that's important. It's almost like every time I get back in the mindset to reach God and seek Him, I turn around a second later acting like I never knew His name. How many times have I broken His heart in my own selfishness, and not even thought twice about it?
Even blogging about it seems like I'm sitting here seeking an answer, when I know the answer, and just complaining to an empty auditorium. It's pathetic in a sense that I just can't straighten myself out and change what I've been doing wrong. I guess that's why it's an awful feeling to be lonely.
Those people I took for granted, that God put in my life, were the ones I was supposed to hang on to. Not rely on... but just know there is someone there who can pray for me and encourage me.
Being alone can be a horrible thing... that's why I need God back so badly.
p.s. Kirstin, if you ever get a chance to read this, thank you so much for leaving the deepest imprint upon my heart, you always encouraged me. I love you, and God is doing wonderful things through you.<3
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