Goodbye

I know I haven't posted anything in a long time.
But I won't be posting anymore.
I want to continue to read everyone else's blogs, but I can't find words to fill my own nor should I dig up the words in fear that they will just leave a deeper impression on me.

So long and farewell

Today really really changed my perspective on things.
There was this situation, that not only made me extremely happy lol, but it was a situation where you're like, "everything is going to be okay."

Leaving home a year and a half ago was the best decision I've made so far in my life. School choice, maybe not so great, but if it wasn't for going to a school around here I wouldn't have left home. So okay, not only have I learned to become more independent and how to take care of my bills and running my own errands all without my mommy holding my hand through the whole thing (I'm a big girl now!!), I have realized that this whole time I have had mixed feelings about being home and being in Chicago.

I will never live at home permanently ever again. As much as I love everyone there, and miss my friends, I have never been more alive than when I am in Chicago. I feel like I'm in my element, and as much as I complain about school, that is NOT Chicago. I have met the most interesting people.

This "situation" I spoke of earlier, gave me a hope that I won't always have this lonely feeling in my heart forever. And although I may not always have people, I can always meet more. I felt more restricted back home, everyone knew each other. In Chi, I can meet a new person everyday if I wanted to. It never gets old.

I love Detroit, and I will forever remember it as home, and remember my memories there. And Chicago, to me can't compare with the D and downriver haha. But now I feel at home, and it's one of the greatest feelings I've had since I've been at school.

I'm convinced...

That my luck won't change.
That anytime there is a chance for something new, it will back up.
and I'm convinced that I may just be that person who deals with the same stuff over and over again without any relief from it, when all I really want is something new to take over.
That's my life.
And honestly, I'm a little tired of it.

mmm so i remembered

I didn't even introduce myself haha.

Anyone who reads this most likely knows me, but if not, then this is meeeee.
My name is Sarah, I'm 19.

I love to write... a lot and I also love music, it's a huge part of my life. I'm going to school for music journalism.

Other things I'm interested in is sewing, knitting, and crocheting. Yes, I'm old, but I would definitely be best friends with any grandma around because all those things are definitely good times to have conversations. I wish I could make more things but I'm a slow learner and resort to simple crafts ha.
I'm also a HUGE fan of coffee but I also love tea. Pretty much any kind of coffee or tea, and I'm happy.

Another hobby of mine is Irish Step Dance and i've been doing that for about ten years. It's something I compete it, but I love it just because it's fun and it's part of my heritage. It's different than Riverdance, and I honestly don't like Michael Flatley much, but eh he makes big bucks to run across a stage while sometimes clicking his feet together, so I guess he's lucky.

I'm an identical twin, and my sister is one of my best friends. She's is gonna be moving to Chicago in a week, and I'm sooo excited to be living by her again =)

Kirstin Mara is my best friend and she is one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. She truly lives out what she says she believes and I have never been more encouraged in my life, nor been more blessed than to have a friend like her.

Both of them mean the world to me<3

And the MOST important thing to me is my faith. I know I'm not perfect, and I will never be, but my Savior still loves me, and in life I am trying to be what He created me to be. I fall short sometimes, but He picks me back up. Never will I ever find anything in life worth living for other than Him. I know He has plans for me, and He is going to use me and I am so excited to learn how He's going to do that.

So why do I turn, to embrace what will never last

It never ceases to amaze how people are put in your life, and although you may not see the full purpose right away, they leave in imprint upon your heart that changes you. So many people that I thought I would never form relationships with have come into my life, by God's grace, and somehow formed me into part of what I am today. It these people that we look up to, and it's also the people that we may think we should have nothing to do with. Every single person affects us.

It's to what extent I let them change me that has been making me think. Have I been taking these people and relying on them more than I rely on Him? Have I let them make me into something He would not have me be? I feel like I have lost myself. Lost who I was meant to be, and lost the urge to become what I should be because I'm content with people around me.

Being away from home has me constantly thinking about it. Everyday I feel like a little piece of what I was created to be drifts away into the sky like one of those balloons we try to catch before it gets away but it slips right out of our fingertips.

So what do I now? Every person that has tried to keep me on track isn't in reach. But I'm not their responsibility and they aren't who I should be sitting here thinking, "I wish they could help me." I learned enough in my past relationship to know we can't save someone. You can influence them, but in the end it's what their heart is telling them to do, and who they end up turning to that's important. It's almost like every time I get back in the mindset to reach God and seek Him, I turn around a second later acting like I never knew His name. How many times have I broken His heart in my own selfishness, and not even thought twice about it?

Even blogging about it seems like I'm sitting here seeking an answer, when I know the answer, and just complaining to an empty auditorium. It's pathetic in a sense that I just can't straighten myself out and change what I've been doing wrong. I guess that's why it's an awful feeling to be lonely.

Those people I took for granted, that God put in my life, were the ones I was supposed to hang on to. Not rely on... but just know there is someone there who can pray for me and encourage me.

Being alone can be a horrible thing... that's why I need God back so badly.



p.s. Kirstin, if you ever get a chance to read this, thank you so much for leaving the deepest imprint upon my heart, you always encouraged me. I love you, and God is doing wonderful things through you.<3

There is Hope

There is a heart of such distress that I carry in this chest please reach out and caress in your pillowesque manner.

Front and center right here and right now I'm throwing in the towel I've committed too many fowls I've flown south.

My spirits turning sour I can't go through another hour, be my precious pretty pink petite flower that blooms in the night and leave me in the dark by your moonlight, no more fight. I never fought or so I thought and now I'm here on these knees distraught.

Crying out pretty please, pretty please take this disease turning these insides brown my smile turns to frown and my breathe smells like death.

Because I am dead to life and alive to something that I don't know if you would have me feel but this is for real and I need you right now, I need you right now.

So seal the deal with your stamp of regeneration and grow me up into a new creation taken from a tree and plucked from a vine, if it's my time to shine then shine your light on me so that everyone hurting can see that there is hope, that there is hope in a seemingly endless valley full of rotten fruit left behind from previous troops who are now in your mountains drinking directly from your fountains, oh save me a spot I will be there sooner than not, I'm picking up the pace and slowly starting to trot.

"There is Hope" by Bradley Hathaway

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that valley, and even trying to climb the walls to get out of it doesn't seem to help. My mind is the rotten fruit that keeps me clinging to my past and to my old ways that seem like they will never stop haunting me. When does that end? I'm tired of feeling like the only way to go is down, and never up. I'm tired of getting myself in situations I can't handle and don't even know how to get out of.

1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

I have been really blind to the ways out of these situations, or it was my own wickedness that just chose to ignore God. At times it was one or the other, or even both.

I just need to rely on Him, and trust He's going to help me, and soon I'll be okay again.

You laid down Your life, when I refused to give mine.

It's one of those nights, where you're listening to music and one line in the song just hits you and everything comes swarming into reality all at once.

I have sat for so long, being okay with my actions, thinking "I could be worse" or "At least I'm not doing this, I'm just doing something else." Those need to leave me. They need to be blown away in the wind, going to some far off place where they never come from my mouth or enter my thoughts again.

Sitting here, thinking I'm following God and loving Him with my whole heart, I have been smacked in the face with how wrong I have been. All the things I wrote about feeling alone and not having people here at school to fill the places of those I left back home has made me more alert to the way I live my life... and now it is truly a blessing I am here. Though I miss home, it was a safe place for me. Somewhere I could just live my life with no regards to anything else. It is so crazy to see how wrong I was.

This is the point where I admit I was wrong. I'm ready to stop being who I hate being. I honestly think at one moment in time I actually hated myself. I have strayed so far from what I used to be, and I know I will grow from this, and learn from my mistakes, yet, part of me knows I will never like the person I was. It has caused me to put a guard up, not letting anyone in, not letting anyone know me and being that person who can't build relationships with other people. A lot of it is because I don't want people to know who I was. I am ashamed and saddened I let myself be that way.

I know God offers mercy and forgiveness, and He loves me. I still find it hard to go to Him and just let Him have me. I realized tonight that should not be that way (when I knew that all long just didn't accept it. HOW WRONG WAS I?!). I have become that typical "yeah, I believe, and that's enough" Christian. It's so sad that I let myself become that way. It's a relief though, knowing it's all going to change. I literally feel like I'm in a new body with a new heart. I feel restored and refreshed and I am so excited to learn so much more about God and jump into a better healthier relationship with Him. He has so much in store for me, and His Word promises that. I just chose to ignore it before. SERIOUSLY! I'm so happy now. It took one line in a song to change my attitude and snap me back into what's true and real. He showed Himself through music some may not seem as worship. But for me... it changed my life.

"You laid down Your life, when I refused to give mine." -As I Lay Dying

It's so unbelievable how God used that to reach me. He's so amazing.