You laid down Your life, when I refused to give mine.

It's one of those nights, where you're listening to music and one line in the song just hits you and everything comes swarming into reality all at once.

I have sat for so long, being okay with my actions, thinking "I could be worse" or "At least I'm not doing this, I'm just doing something else." Those need to leave me. They need to be blown away in the wind, going to some far off place where they never come from my mouth or enter my thoughts again.

Sitting here, thinking I'm following God and loving Him with my whole heart, I have been smacked in the face with how wrong I have been. All the things I wrote about feeling alone and not having people here at school to fill the places of those I left back home has made me more alert to the way I live my life... and now it is truly a blessing I am here. Though I miss home, it was a safe place for me. Somewhere I could just live my life with no regards to anything else. It is so crazy to see how wrong I was.

This is the point where I admit I was wrong. I'm ready to stop being who I hate being. I honestly think at one moment in time I actually hated myself. I have strayed so far from what I used to be, and I know I will grow from this, and learn from my mistakes, yet, part of me knows I will never like the person I was. It has caused me to put a guard up, not letting anyone in, not letting anyone know me and being that person who can't build relationships with other people. A lot of it is because I don't want people to know who I was. I am ashamed and saddened I let myself be that way.

I know God offers mercy and forgiveness, and He loves me. I still find it hard to go to Him and just let Him have me. I realized tonight that should not be that way (when I knew that all long just didn't accept it. HOW WRONG WAS I?!). I have become that typical "yeah, I believe, and that's enough" Christian. It's so sad that I let myself become that way. It's a relief though, knowing it's all going to change. I literally feel like I'm in a new body with a new heart. I feel restored and refreshed and I am so excited to learn so much more about God and jump into a better healthier relationship with Him. He has so much in store for me, and His Word promises that. I just chose to ignore it before. SERIOUSLY! I'm so happy now. It took one line in a song to change my attitude and snap me back into what's true and real. He showed Himself through music some may not seem as worship. But for me... it changed my life.

"You laid down Your life, when I refused to give mine." -As I Lay Dying

It's so unbelievable how God used that to reach me. He's so amazing.